Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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