Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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