Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She's the barista slut.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
