final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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