hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
