Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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