do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
