I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize