I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
