Where are you?
In a non slutty way
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
