So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
