Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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