So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I can't turn off my feet"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
