I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
