Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize