I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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