A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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