My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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