I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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