Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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