she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
