"it" just moved
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My life is pants optional.
Randomize