So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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