definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's blow job season.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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