I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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