yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize