Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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