I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
