drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
