i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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