No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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