cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
