i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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