I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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