I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize