mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
