I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
