Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
