Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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