tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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