i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
