I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
