final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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