Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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