Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
