If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
