I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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