Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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