My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
