if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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