I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
