You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
farters have to be the big spoon...
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
