He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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