just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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