I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
