even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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