I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
