Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
