Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
