Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
