so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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