I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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