he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
