Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
