im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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