so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
