i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
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