is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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