cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
