This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
