My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
