i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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