i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize