just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
