I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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