I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This is my life. Enjoy the view
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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