I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize