it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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