I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
