so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
